Life is short

Life is short. So very, very short. On Wednesday, a dear colleague of mine walked by my office, granted not seeming entirely like herself, but it seemed like a normal enough interaction. I said "Hi, Mary Lynn." She said, "Hi, Kate." And that was it. That evening, while running a group, Mary Lynn walked out the room and collapsed. She has a terrible illness, lupus, and we all hoped it was just a seizure. It wasn't. It was a brain aneurysm. We learned the next day that she was in a coma and brain dead. Mary Lynn was an extraordinary person, and I will really miss her.

A Daughter's Eyes

It's no secret that body image can be an issue after pregnancy. In the United States, 40% of mothers reported weight dissatisfaction (Walker 1998). I wasn't entirely surprised to read this, particularly when I consider the number of physical changes a woman goes through during and after a pregnancy. Couple that with new responsibilities, and it is truly no wonder that the postpartum period is such a challenging time.

For me, the beauty of body image after pregnancy is having a daughter that doesn't care one bit about whether I've lost the baby weight. She doesn't care about the scar from the c-section, except in that it was the way she came into this world. She doesn't care about the stretch marks, or "tiger stripes" as some say.  She cares that you find the time to read to her in the evening. She cares that you make her laugh.

Growing up, I remember my Mom being desperate to lose weight. But I don't remember ever thinking that she needed to. I remember her wearing a green dress with polka dots and laughing with her because we thought the dots looked like frog's eyes. I remember how she took us to the library at least once a week, no matter how busy things got. I remember her teaching me to be kind, and to stand up for myself. And I'm lucky enough to still have her with me.

So today I challenge myself and I challenge you to see yourself through your daughter's eyes. She thinks you're amazing. And she's right.  

A Baby's Room on a Budget!

I'm a true Dansie. I love a good bargain, and quite happily, when we found out we were expecting V we knew we could get some of what we needed from my lovely sister in law, who thought that perhaps she was done having babies (not so much :-) yay!) So, to start off we already had a beautiful crib. Here's how it all added up:

1. Crib- gift from sister-in-law and brother-in-law.

2. Dresser- IKEA and gift from my sister and brother in law who didn't want it. It was also lovingly adorned by my sister, A, who found lovely knobs on clearance at World Market.

3. Rocking chair and ottoman: donated to my Mom's preschool by a family that didn't need it anymore.

4. Little wall shelves: Threshold by Target $30 each.

5. Dollhouse shelf: Target!

6. Crib mattress: Target (free because they sent us a curtain rod labelled "crib mattress" and then sent the actual crib mattress the next day after telling us we had to reorder it).

7. Changing table: yard sale!

You definitely don't need a million bucks to have a baby's room that looks like a million bucks! 

I Can

It is incredible how those two little words (only four letters!) mean so much. This is the poem I hear in my head on long, long days in long, long weeks like this one and it helps me. 

Variation on a Theme by Rilke

A certain day became a presence to me;
there it was, confronting me--a sky, air, light:
a being. And before it started to descend
from the height of noon, it leaned over
and struck my shoulder as if with
the flat of a sword, granting me
honor and a task. The day's blow
rang out, metallic--or it was I, a bell awakened,
and what I heard was my whole self
saying and singing what it knew: I can.

-----Denise Levertov

Balance

You know that old saying? The one that goes "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it"? That's happening to me right now. In so many ways I just couldn't be happier with my life. I have all I ever wanted: a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, a house, and a burgeoning career. I pride myself on being a good and thorough therapist; completing paperwork, making phone calls, and fitting patients into my schedule when they need to be seen urgently. I feel like I am doing many things, but simply doing none of them well enough. I'm not a good enough housekeeper, I don't spend enough time with my daughter and definitely not with my dogs, I don't know how to cook, and I love art but can't find a moment to devote to it. In the meantime, I feel like I need to focus on losing weight (my c-section scar still hurts!) and what about my friends? I don't want to lose my friends. I guess I don't really want an answer to these questions; I suppose balance will come in time. And when it does, I suspect I will find myself wanting to have another baby! 

Western Maryland

I never gave much thought to Western Maryland before I met my husband. As my Mother-in-law and Father-in-law say, most people think Maryland ends at Frederick or Hagerstown. When Jeremy and I met and he took me to Cumberland for the first time, I realized how much I'd been missing. There are some amazing restaurants and walking around Cumberland's little downtown is a lot of fun. Here's some places to check out if you're ever in the area:

*The Hen House (Frostburg, MD) a beautiful restaurant with great service and food that is seriously to die for. The fried chicken is absolutely out of this world.

*Penn Alps (Grantsville, MD) a Mennonite-run restaurant with a yummy brunch...all you can eat for only $13 a person! And, to my delight, there is a gift shop with stunning quilts and all kinds of other handmade goodies!

*Giuseppe's (Frostburg, MD) a delicious Italian restaurant with a wonderful atmosphere. It is relaxed but intimate.

*Coney Island Famous Weiners (Cumberland, MD) hot dogs and crinkle fries for $2...need I say more?

*Millicent's Yarn Shop: A must if you're into knitting or crocheting.

Best of all, Cumberland has such beautiful mountains and it is just such a relaxing place to be. 

Baptism

After we found our groove with little V, we started thinking about whether we wanted to baptize her. My husband was baptized as a baby, but my Dad felt very strongly that my sisters and I should not be baptized as babies. He feels that it is important for one to understand why they are being baptized, and moreover, to have a choice in the matter. I think that makes a lot of sense, but being baptized at age 13, which is probably the most awkward time in anyone's life, wasn't exactly fun. Not to mention the fact that I just never felt like I fit in with the other members of the youth group at BUMC, and that sure didn't help. It is interesting to be seeing all of this now from a parent's point of view.

My husband was also raised Methodist but didn't have such a good experience attending Sunday school and church services. He now considers himself an Agnostic. To tell the truth, this bothered me at first, but after I heard him explain what the term "Agnostic" means to him, I began to feel differently. I think I mistakenly confused the idea of there being no God with the idea that we cannot and do not know if there is a God.

So, why baptize a baby?

Because it's special. Because a baby is God's way of saying he wants the world to go on. Because after a baby is baptized, she will be handed to a member of the church who gets to proudly walk her back up to the altar, showing her off for the rest of the congregation to see.

The car dilemma

So, growing up my Dad had a very strict philosophy on cars: new cars are a giant waste of money. The minute you drive away in a new car it loses a ton of value. While I understand his point to some extent, growing up without a reliable car was frustrating at times. This brings me to another subject: My Dad. I don't want to sound ungrateful to him in this post. He is very special to me and I love all his quirks and his refusal to let anything go to waste.

Among our lovely automobiles were:

The AstroTurf: A Ford Aerostar van. The name AstroTurf was born when my Dad couldn't quite remember what it was called...."the astroturf...aerojet....turbostar....!"  It was initially missing an entire row of seats but somehow my Dad found a row of seats that was compatible with the van and installed it. We drove it all the way to Georgia for a wedding with no problems, but soon after it would only start about 50% of the time. This was long before cell phones, so we always made sure we had a few quarters in case we needed to call my Dad from a payphone to come pick us up. My Dad finally got rid of it after which we got a corolla wagon. Such a boring car, but reliable, and that was important. We had that car for a very long time and I think fondly of driving it back and forth to high school with my sister.

Craptaculus: A Ford Taurus in a lovely bright periwinkle blue color. My sister J liked to call it "ghetto-fabulous," and it truly was! My other sister A drove this one back and forth from college too.

Sputter: My favorite car ever! A ford escort hatchback. No air conditioning, no power steering, no CD player...BUT it was my first car and it got me back and forth from college so many times. The name Sputter was bequeathed by my good friend Sarah and it really stuck. Notably, Sputter came from a coworker of my Dad's who simply didn't want it anyone. I don't think my Dad paid anything for it.


After Sputter's best days were behind it, I got:

Neptune! A honda accord station wagon in "midnight blue." This was a great car I drove and drove and drove. It is still at my parents' house and now needs engine work, but I drove it until it had at least 225,000 miles on it.

So a few years ago after my attempts to find a reliable used car failed, I finally bit the bullet and bought a brand new 2010 Honda CR-V. I've been paying it off, slowly but surely, and I can honestly say that there is not a single day I regret buying this car. Especially with our new baby, it makes a big difference to drive a car that I feel really safe in. I named the car Sammie but I don't really car her that.

So for awhile my husband and I both had reliable vehicles, but sadly, Jeremy's van (which I dubbed Vanna, though he never names his cars) is having major transmission problems. This isn't the best time for us to get a new car since I just returned from maternity leave a few weeks ago, but then again, I really want my husband to have a car he feels safe driving our daughter in. So, what to do? Jeremy's van is really only worth about $1,000, and to fix the transmission would probably cost at least that much. Then again, adding another monthly payment to our budget wouldn't be so good either.

I wonder why sometimes we get attached to vehicles. Is it a metaphor for life? Is there something about our cars that sticks with us because they get us where we need to go in more ways than one?