Dahlias

Have I mentioned that I love dahlias? When we got married, we couldn't quite figure out exactly what we wanted for the centerpieces, but our lovely florist, Shelly Bagdasian  came up with adding some beautiful bright pink dahlias. They, along with our little flower girl, Maddox, stole the show! They are just so lush and vibrant, but delicate at the same time.

It wasn't so long after we got married that we bought our house and I finally got the opportunity to garden. Now, I wouldn't exactly say I have a green thumb...side note, I just accidentally typed "grumb" and I think I might be onto a cool new word. Anyway. I wouldn't exactly say I have a grumb, but I do love african violets which are lovely, albeit finicky house plants. Another side note:  my Mother in law takes beautiful care of them as well. But I digress.

Happily, we have a very, very sunny yard. So, on an impulse, I bought some dahlia bulbs at Home Depot, and literally just stuck them in the ground. Then, lo and behold...they grew! And grew, and grew. And even better, they are this beautiful, purple-pink color that contrasts perfectly with the lovely orange pumpkins in our garden.

My Dad, who has the greenest thumb of anyone out there, spends a lot of time working in the garden. When I was younger, I don't think I understood it, but I remember him telling me that there was just "something nice about growing things." When the dahlias I stuck in the ground grew so beautifully, I think I finally understood what he meant. I feel proud of these flowers in the same way that I feel proud of V. There are so many horrifying news stories out there, and couple that with the despair I fairly often encounter at work, it is truly wonderful to be able to put bulbs in the ground and see something grow. It's like a bit of peace and wonder that exists right outside our door.

Perhaps I'm just writing all this so I have an excuse to share photos of these beautiful flowers, Here they are!

An Aunt Again!

My sister is expecting and I just couldn't be happier!

We will get to meet little Baby L in March, which seems like such a long time to wait! But if her pregnancy is anything like mine was, it will just fly by. I am so excited for V to have a little cousin! My sister and her husband have not had an easy journey into pregnancy by any means, and truly, I just cannot think of any two people better suited to be parents than they are. I like to think that God heard their prayers, along with the prayers of every member of my family. That is, of course, in addition to their incredible hard work and commitment to making it happen.

J and I have talked a lot about how many children we want, and about how far apart to space them. For a number of reasons, we decided that it would be wise to allow 3 years between our children. Lately though, even with all the busy-ness of life, I can't seem to stop thinking about having a second child. My husband and I watched an adorable movie on Netflix (What to Expect When You're Expecting) and it was so sweet we both decided we better not watch it again until we were ready to start trying. These years, full of pregnancies, babies, and young children, are years I simply want to savor, and one day look back upon with such fondness. This is to say, I think, that even though I will be 32 in November, we are not in a rush.

There's a poem that I think perfectly sums up how I feel right now:

The Happiest Day
It was early May, I think
a moment of lilac or dogwood
when so many promises are made
it hardly matters if a few are broken.
My mother and father still hovered
in the background, part of the scenery
like the houses I had grown up in,
and if they would be torn down later
that was something I knew
but didn't believe. Our children were asleep
or playing, the youngest as new
as the new smell of the lilacs,
and how could I have guessed
their roots were shallow
and would be easily transplanted.
I didn't even guess that I was happy.
The small irritations that are like salt
on melon were what I dwelt on,
though in truth they simply
made the fruit taste sweeter.
So we sat on the porch
in the cool morning, sipping
hot coffee. Behind the news of the day--
strikes and small wars, a fire somewhere--
I could see the top of your dark head
and thought not of public conflagrations
but of how it would feel on my bare shoulder.
If someone could stop the camera then...
if someone could only stop the camera
and ask me: are you happy?
perhaps I would have noticed
how the morning shone in the reflected
color of lilac. Yes, I might have said
and offered a steaming cup of coffee. 
~Linda Pastan 

So again I will challenge myself: stop the camera. Ask - are you happy? I am. I hope you are too. 

Life is short

Life is short. So very, very short. On Wednesday, a dear colleague of mine walked by my office, granted not seeming entirely like herself, but it seemed like a normal enough interaction. I said "Hi, Mary Lynn." She said, "Hi, Kate." And that was it. That evening, while running a group, Mary Lynn walked out the room and collapsed. She has a terrible illness, lupus, and we all hoped it was just a seizure. It wasn't. It was a brain aneurysm. We learned the next day that she was in a coma and brain dead. Mary Lynn was an extraordinary person, and I will really miss her.

A Daughter's Eyes

It's no secret that body image can be an issue after pregnancy. In the United States, 40% of mothers reported weight dissatisfaction (Walker 1998). I wasn't entirely surprised to read this, particularly when I consider the number of physical changes a woman goes through during and after a pregnancy. Couple that with new responsibilities, and it is truly no wonder that the postpartum period is such a challenging time.

For me, the beauty of body image after pregnancy is having a daughter that doesn't care one bit about whether I've lost the baby weight. She doesn't care about the scar from the c-section, except in that it was the way she came into this world. She doesn't care about the stretch marks, or "tiger stripes" as some say.  She cares that you find the time to read to her in the evening. She cares that you make her laugh.

Growing up, I remember my Mom being desperate to lose weight. But I don't remember ever thinking that she needed to. I remember her wearing a green dress with polka dots and laughing with her because we thought the dots looked like frog's eyes. I remember how she took us to the library at least once a week, no matter how busy things got. I remember her teaching me to be kind, and to stand up for myself. And I'm lucky enough to still have her with me.

So today I challenge myself and I challenge you to see yourself through your daughter's eyes. She thinks you're amazing. And she's right.  

A Baby's Room on a Budget!

I'm a true Dansie. I love a good bargain, and quite happily, when we found out we were expecting V we knew we could get some of what we needed from my lovely sister in law, who thought that perhaps she was done having babies (not so much :-) yay!) So, to start off we already had a beautiful crib. Here's how it all added up:

1. Crib- gift from sister-in-law and brother-in-law.

2. Dresser- IKEA and gift from my sister and brother in law who didn't want it. It was also lovingly adorned by my sister, A, who found lovely knobs on clearance at World Market.

3. Rocking chair and ottoman: donated to my Mom's preschool by a family that didn't need it anymore.

4. Little wall shelves: Threshold by Target $30 each.

5. Dollhouse shelf: Target!

6. Crib mattress: Target (free because they sent us a curtain rod labelled "crib mattress" and then sent the actual crib mattress the next day after telling us we had to reorder it).

7. Changing table: yard sale!

You definitely don't need a million bucks to have a baby's room that looks like a million bucks! 

I Can

It is incredible how those two little words (only four letters!) mean so much. This is the poem I hear in my head on long, long days in long, long weeks like this one and it helps me. 

Variation on a Theme by Rilke

A certain day became a presence to me;
there it was, confronting me--a sky, air, light:
a being. And before it started to descend
from the height of noon, it leaned over
and struck my shoulder as if with
the flat of a sword, granting me
honor and a task. The day's blow
rang out, metallic--or it was I, a bell awakened,
and what I heard was my whole self
saying and singing what it knew: I can.

-----Denise Levertov

Balance

You know that old saying? The one that goes "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it"? That's happening to me right now. In so many ways I just couldn't be happier with my life. I have all I ever wanted: a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, a house, and a burgeoning career. I pride myself on being a good and thorough therapist; completing paperwork, making phone calls, and fitting patients into my schedule when they need to be seen urgently. I feel like I am doing many things, but simply doing none of them well enough. I'm not a good enough housekeeper, I don't spend enough time with my daughter and definitely not with my dogs, I don't know how to cook, and I love art but can't find a moment to devote to it. In the meantime, I feel like I need to focus on losing weight (my c-section scar still hurts!) and what about my friends? I don't want to lose my friends. I guess I don't really want an answer to these questions; I suppose balance will come in time. And when it does, I suspect I will find myself wanting to have another baby!